With my two oldest children, I had baby showers. I actually had two baby showers with my oldest son. And at all three of these showers, the conversation was the same. There was talk about breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding, when the baby would sleep through the night, how much help or hindrance the baby's father would be, and endless, endless discussion about cutesy stuff like clothes. There were some mentions of practicalities, like diapers and gear, but on the whole, the discussion was fluff.
Like almost every other pregnant woman in the western world, the minute I was able after I found out I was pregnant, I ran to the local bookstore and got a copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting." This covered all the gross stuff. Mucus discharge. Constipation. Leaky boobs. Okay, that's great, but what about the practical, real-life applications? I was still on my own.
My mom, a life-long nurse, was a valuable source of information for some things, like the fact that mylecon is liquid gold (seriously, it is) but on some others, I was flying blind. And very, very shortly after my oldest son was born, I found myself crying out loud, "Nobody told me about this shit at my baby shower!"
And there you have it. The premise of this blog. There are so many things that are just never told to us by mothers and nurses and doctors - either intentionally in some conspiracy of silence, or through some kind of forgetfulness virus that infects everyone who has ever had anything to do with having a baby in the history of ever. And I'm a little tired of it. My friends pop up and say, "I never had any idea it would be like this!" and I feel like a schlub, because I was sucked into forgetfulness virus thing. Well, no longer. This blog is to examine those things that are rarely said out loud, and when they are, they're whispered at playgroups. I feel confident that I am not the only person that has experienced these things. I'm damned certain that I'm not the only person that has experienced these things. I feel 100% confident that right now, somewhere, one of you is reading this thinking, "Yes! I've thought there was some kind of conspiracy, too!"
So I'm going to talk about the things that have surprised me as they've happened with my little surprises. Some of these things are going to be out-and-out funny. Some will be gross. (Come on, face it. Kids are disgusting.) Some are going to be poignant. Some may make you cry. But I'm going to do my best to put a humorous spin on things and to, above all, be honest with you and myself.
Let's get real. Because nobody told me this shit, and someone really ought to say something.